Terry Pratchett

Quotes

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
An education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
It could not be happening because this sort of thing did not happen. Any contradictory evidence could be safely ignored.
Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
"I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it.
"Cats," he said eventually. "Cats are nice."
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
Stupid men are often capable of things the clever would not dare to contemplate...
The consensus seemed to be that if really large numbers of men were sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all military thinking.
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
[The pamphlet] was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners.
What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"
A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.
Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove.
Revolutions always come around again. That's why they're called revolutions.
Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot".
Sham Harga had run a succesful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease, and burnt crunchy bits.
If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter.
Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile careers in the street- cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding of this simple fact.
It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
When the least they could do to you was everything, then the most they could do to you suddenly held no terror.
He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.
No. Men should die for lies. But the truth is too precious to die for.
This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.
That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"
The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo.
Words are the litmus paper of the minds. If you find yourself in the power of someone who will use the word "commence" in cold blood, go somewhere else very quickly. But if they say "Enter", don't stop to pack.
Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It's where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more.
Pulling together is the aim of despotism and tyranny. Free men pull in all kinds of directions.
Famous I don't know about. It's hard to be famous and alive. I just want to play music every day and hear someone say, 'Thanks, that was great, here's some money, same time tomorrow, okay?'
God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
Rincewind had been told that death was just like going into another room. The difference is, when you shout, 'Where's my clean socks?' no-one answers.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.
Geography is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it.
Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.
In the begining there was nothing, and it exploded.
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
Science is not about building a body of known 'facts'. It is a method for asking awkward questions and subjecting them to a reality-check, thus avoiding the human tendency to believe whatever makes us feel good.
It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living.