P. J. O'Rourke

Drugs have taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system.

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

When it comes to taking chances, some people like to play poker or shoot dice; other people prefer to parachute jump, go rhino hunting, or climb ice floes, while still others engage in crime or marriage. But I like to get drunk and drive like a fool.

France is like a great compass, which ever way they point to, go the complete opposite direction and you'll be fine.

The U.S. Constitution is less than a quarter the length of the owner's manual for a 1998 Toyota Camry, and yet it has managed to keep 300 million of the world's most unruly, passionate and energetic people safe, prosperous and free.

The weirder you are going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child – miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.

I’m a registered Republican and consider socialism a violation of the American principle that you shouldn’t stick your nose in other people’s business except to make a buck.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

Never fight an inanimate object.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

Remember the generational battles twenty years ago? Remember all the screaming at the dinner table about haircuts, getting jobs and the American dream? Well, our parents won. They're out living the American dream on some damned golf course in Vero Beach, and we're stuck with the jobs and haircuts.

After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.

Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Politics are a lousy way for a free man to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort.

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.

Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.