Louis C. K.

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

I find that when people laugh really hard, it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff.

Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.

The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it's like, "Hey, I've got a cup in case we need another cup." "Dude, you're a genius!"