Jackie Mason

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?